hurting like a cat

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What I don't have left is just anything. I don't

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have anything left. Just anything. Just anything I...

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this clover here. It doesn't belong to me. But I can touch

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it. This breath, the taste of my too-dry mouth. I can taste that.

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I can almost remember to breathe on time. The feeling of my

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tongue right before I speak, my toes pressed against the floor.

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That's only one thing I can touch. But it's one thing more

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than no things. The slight rustle of my clothes, against

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the cables that make the sound work. I don't know how people do

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it. They keep having, they keep having something. Something to

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offer, something to do, some hope, some place to go, some one

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more step. I don't have one more step. Not one more step. Not

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even one more step, not one more drop of water to turn the mill.

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I don't have one more. One more. One more. I don't have any more.

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I don't. I don't have any more. And people always look at me

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like, well, you just gotta find one. And I'm like, no, actually.

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No, actually, I don't. And that's the hard part. Because I

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think people think that we have to. That there's some kind of

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universal life force that tells us to persist. And I am here to

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tell you that that is not the case. And that just telling

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people to suck it up doesn't actually get you anywhere. And

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that if somebody is going to the trouble of asking for your help,

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you might want to consider what will happen if you don't?

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Because yes, that is your responsibility, even if you

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don't know what to do or say. Get in the mud with them and

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collaborate. Start digging around together, find something.

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Give them the experience of not being alone. The problem with

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our world more than anything else, is infinite solitude. This

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alone alone alone-ness where everybody is supposed to solve

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their own damn problems. Is it white western colonialist? Of

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course, it is. Probably other cultures, too, at some point did

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that. But it didn't work out well for them either. Because we

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don't know very much about those. Mostly we know about

Leela Sinha: 00:03:09

history, and prehistory and ancient ancient oral history.

Leela Sinha: 00:03:15

Thank the gods for the storytellers. Mostly we know

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about people who did in fact, find a way to take care of each

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other and of themselves, to problem solve together, to

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collaborate, to share. We joke in the queer community about

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passing the same 20 bucks around and around and around, and

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sometimes it's 50. And sometimes it's five. But we do that,

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because if you have been down to your last 20 bucks, you know

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what it means when someone hands you a $20 bill. And so even when

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you only have 40, you hand over a 20. And then you get in there,

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in the mud, in the muck. You get in there in your hip waders with

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your shovel. You bring your friends, you tie yourself to a

Leela Sinha: 00:04:09

tree so you don't fall in and you start digging. We're trained

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to isolate like cats when we're hurting, we're trained to go off

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by ourselves and pretend that nothing's wrong until we can

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emerge whole and beautiful and sparkly. And you know what? That

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is bullshit. That whole system is bullshit. It's not working

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and we got to stop. It's not really even a system. It's a

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lack of a system. It's a response to the emptiness around

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us. When you feel like there's nobody to help you out. You

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don't reach. You just go find a nice cozy spot to die. And we

Leela Sinha: 00:04:50

have lost so many good people that way and we are every day on

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the brink of losing so many more. It's got to stop. It's got

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to stop.

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But what is the alternative when everything seems hopeless and

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bigger than we are? The alternative, the alternative is

Leela Sinha: 00:05:16

more creativity. Pour more creativity on the fire. More and

Leela Sinha: 00:05:20

more and more, make the flames go to the sky. Reach around them

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until your arms grow long enough to wrap themselves redwood-big

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all the way to the edges of the circle. And beyond. Because

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there are people standing in the shadows that you don't even know

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are there. It's got to stop. We've got to change the way that

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we approach stress and strain and isolation. That bullshit

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line that goes around about you are the average of the five

Leela Sinha: 00:06:03

people you spend the most time around. Lord, that may or may

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not be true, but it doesn't matter. Because what's not true

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is that averaging yourself up at others' expense is the right

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thing to do. Is that setting yourself deliberately apart from

Leela Sinha: 00:06:23

people who are struggling is the right thing to do. Is that

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deliberately creating classes and cliques is the right thing

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to do. Don't you dare cut people out of your life just because

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they're having a hard time. That is not how community survival

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works. Give them space if they need space. Give them support if

Leela Sinha: 00:06:55

they need support. And if they're asking for help, get

Leela Sinha: 00:06:58

creative with them, get their permission, get their consent,

Leela Sinha: 00:07:01

get to know where they want your intervention and then bring all

Leela Sinha: 00:07:06

of your tools to the table. You got a weed whacker, you bring

Leela Sinha: 00:07:09

it. You got a roto-tiller, you bring it. They need help with

Leela Sinha: 00:07:13

their garden. And once their garden is growing, it will feed

Leela Sinha: 00:07:16

the whole neighborhood but you've got to get your ass in

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gear. And sitting on the sidelines looking with disdain,

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or shrugging and helplessness, is not going to help. Sure, put

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on your own oxygen mask first, but then reach over and put

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someone else's mask on them. Don't just sit back satisfied

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like you did the oxygen mask thing while somebody next to you

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gasps for air. How dare you? I know you think you're tired. I

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know you think you're out of everything. So am I. So is

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everyone right now. None of us has a whole spoon. None of us

Leela Sinha: 00:08:05

has even one whole spoon. So we all need to be reaching

Leela Sinha: 00:08:09

together. We cannot.... we cannot isolate for preservation.

Leela Sinha: 00:08:17

Self-preservation by itself is meaningless. It is only

Leela Sinha: 00:08:21

community preservation that will move us forward and community

Leela Sinha: 00:08:24

preservation happens on every single level from the molecular

Leela Sinha: 00:08:27

level on up. Community preservation is the only way to

Leela Sinha: 00:08:34

go. And if you run an organization, run a business,

Leela Sinha: 00:08:37

lead people, have a lot of followers on social media:

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gather your people. And help them know how to do this. Help

Leela Sinha: 00:08:50

them know how to take a little bit of what they have, even if

Leela Sinha: 00:08:54

it's only 20 bucks. Even if it's only five, even if it's only 50

Leela Sinha: 00:08:59

cents, take a little bit of what they have and drop it in the

Leela Sinha: 00:09:03

pot. So that somebody else can get what they need. It's not

Leela Sinha: 00:09:11

fiscally irresponsible to do that. It's community care to do

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that. And that is how we change things. That is how we get out

Leela Sinha: 00:09:20

of this habit of hiding like cats waiting to die. That is how

Leela Sinha: 00:09:25

we get out of this habit of feeling that when we reach there

Leela Sinha: 00:09:28

will be nobody there. That is how we get out of this habit of

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having to wonder what would happen if our lives fell apart

Leela Sinha: 00:09:38

tomorrow. If everything that co-supports us disappeared? What

Leela Sinha: 00:09:43

would happen next? What would you do next? How would you act

Leela Sinha: 00:09:47

next? What would, what would open a door, a window? A

Leela Sinha: 00:09:52

moveable ceiling tile even if you go all Mission: Impossible

Leela Sinha: 00:09:56

on it there has to be something out there that makes the Mission

Leela Sinha: 00:10:00

Impossible actually possible. And that's what community is.

Leela Sinha: 00:10:04

And that's what people provide. And that's why we have to do

Leela Sinha: 00:10:06

this together. And if you're a business owner, double true, and

Leela Sinha: 00:10:10

if you're a community leader, double true.

Leela Sinha: 00:10:14

We got to do this together, which means you got to model

Leela Sinha: 00:10:17

that. You gotta model that reaching out, you got a model

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that I don't know what to do, but I'm showing up. You got a

Leela Sinha: 00:10:24

model that. What do you need? Creative problem solving? Let's

Leela Sinha: 00:10:26

creative problem-solve right here in the comments thread. So

Leela Sinha: 00:10:29

maybe somebody else gets an idea. So maybe somebody else

Leela Sinha: 00:10:32

knows that there are people who help. So we change not just the

Leela Sinha: 00:10:37

material reality for that person, but the worldview of

Leela Sinha: 00:10:40

everybody who's watching because if people are watching you, you

Leela Sinha: 00:10:43

can change that. You can change the world. You can change what

Leela Sinha: 00:10:46

people believe, but you've got to do it. You've got to

Leela Sinha: 00:10:50

participate. You've got to engage. disengagement is the

Leela Sinha: 00:10:57

most toxic thing we have. We've got to keep each other